So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.