no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
you stereotypes are all alike
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm