Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
You Might Also Like
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Just parrot things
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.