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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.