Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
You Might Also Like
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My purse is deeper than some people.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect