One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?