[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
So we got a goldfish…
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…