You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!