Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast