Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick