My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Well, this certainly took a turn
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice