Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Feels
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then