5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
it must be school picture day
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?