Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My ideal weight is five million dollars