Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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Potatoes were such a good idea
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.