Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself