Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.