If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I already tried new things thanks.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food