Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ok this is my dumbest yet
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.