Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Canadian owl: Eh?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.