And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
You Might Also Like
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
you will never know the true number of layers
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
ugh not again
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.