Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week