Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Stick it to the man
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.