*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it