“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You Might Also Like
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?