PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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💁🏻♂️
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.