I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.