I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.