I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
True
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.