People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
dam girl
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.