Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head