[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Omg 🤣
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
This week’s mood.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers