Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
From my Mom
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Discuss
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]