[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore