It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.