Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?