I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My dog learned how to text
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!