Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My dating profile:
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.