Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Meanwhile in Canada…
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
The news
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?