best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
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My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.