I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too