someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
$4 #usedbooks
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
you gotta be faster
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*limbos under the caution tape
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?