To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.