*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
podcasts
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I did not eat the cake…
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.