Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls