not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
c’mon!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*