Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
just having fun
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
pls suprot
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)