Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?