I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My background check bounced.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My therapist after every session
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.