waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.